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Written by HO Staff
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Thursday, 04 February 2010 16:26 |
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A few weeks ago, Hockeyoutsiders lead editor and hockey guru, PB9617 sent me the links to a brilliant series by the guys over at Battle of Cali. This series can be found here, here and here. Essentially, writer, RudyKelly, trotted out team analysis of the California franchises, Sharks, Kings and Ducks and imagined what they might look like as a movie. The results were predictably hilarious. My email exchange with PB went something like this:
“Those are fucking great.”
“You should do that.”
“What? A HO article?”
“Yep.”
So that got me thinking. How would I imitate RK’s genius, add my own premise and where would I find the time to photoshop so many damn pictures? It’s a bit of an insane task and quite a gamble to come up with something that approached even half the exceptional pieces that were already done. However, we here at HO don’t shy away from many challenges (other than attempting to figure out what the fuck CORSI and GVT are and how they apply to hockey). So the gauntlet was thrown and we are going to attempt to model the teams of the Atlantic Division in comparison to great HBO series. Of course, there are literally 100 HBO series and only 5 Atlantic Division teams, so we just went with the HBO series you know that we’ve actually seen. I know what you're thinking, "why the Atlantic and why not the Smythe or Adams division"? Well, because we're mostly Flyers fans so a) the Atlantic is the only division we really care about and b) it's our website bitches!!! Therefore, we probably aren’t going to expand this to include every NHL team. Sorry guys, we don’t have an eternity to google pictures of Sarah Jessica Parker and Kim Cattrall and explain to you why they are the Sendin twins. Use your imagination.
So enough about the challenge, onward with the comparisons, starting with the best team in the Atlantic (Devils) and ending with the worst (Islanders).
New Jersey Devils
For two seasons HBO ran the series Rome, which chronicled the rise of the Roman Empire. Naturally this contrasted perfectly with the Devils system that seems vastly superior to any system that is employed by any NHL team outside of maybe the Detroit Red Wings. Every year, NHL pundits write off the Devils as has been or this is the year that the empire finally falters, but every year, the Devils are a powerhouse. Though their playoff success in past seasons has been less than stellar, they inevitably are a first round nightmare for any team they face. Here are New Jersey’s 2009 cast of characters.
Martin Brodeur is Lucius Vorenus. Calm, collected, the true leader of the team and a warrior between the pipes. Brodeur plays almost all of New Jersey’s games and is the difference maker most nights despite far superior firepower coming at him. In the series Lucius rises from humble beginnings to become an all powerful senator, just as Marty started from humble roots to become the greatest goalie to ever play. Then there is also that whole in-laws banging each other storyline.
I have always wondered how Jamie became the captain of this team. I have always wondered how Pullo never got killed. Life is full of little mysteries.
Magnus Pompey is Paul Martin. Underappreciated, overworked and will never get the same attention that past number one blue liners in New Jersey enjoyed, probably because he isn’t really a true number one.
Anthony ran around Rome scoring on anything with two legs and a hole, so does Zach.
Yes, Rolston is Brutus. Just look at their eyes. Both of them look like they might do something a little crazy.
Elias is Posca, both guys are “lifer’s” of their respective organizations. Posca was a crafty, shifty, well trained weasel, and the same could be said of Patrik.
Johnny Oduya plays Cicero. Nobody expected either to get as far as they did.
Timon plays Pandolfo. Both guys are grinders and Jewish.
Peters ice time is comparable to Erastes screen time. Both are two bit thugs.
Julius Ceasar is Lou Lamoriello. Does this even need an explanation?
That wraps up the Devils, we will strive to bring you the Penguins down the Islanders in the coming weeks taking us through the Olympic Break. Feel we missed something or have any suggestions? Send them to
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or publish them in the comments section below.
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Last Updated ( Thursday, 04 February 2010 17:05 )
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Written by FRE
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Tuesday, 02 February 2010 16:58 |
Calgary, AB (HO). "The Who" rises hauntingly out of the speakers of the small CD player in Darryl Sutter’s office. Behind the big oak desk sits the GM of the Calgary Flames, his dim lit room casting shadows on his face. Our meeting is reminiscent of meeting a Godfather of a crime ring or an overlord boss. We are quietly ushered in and shown our seat, no words are spoken for several minutes. We sit nervously, fidgeting with our notebook as we prepare to interview the evil genius or blatantly ignorant man who just orchestrated another series of blockbuster moves at the “NHL trade deadline” to hopefully shake up his woefully underperforming hockey team.
Sutter contemplates his next move
Now Jokinen is again gone. Departing with him is former Norris candidate, defenseman Dion Phaneuf. In separate deals, both players, once considered future franchise players are off to other destinations as part of a team wide shakeup aimed again at making the Flames Stanley Cup favorites again. In their place, Sutter has obtained underachieving spare parts. It’s hard to follow his line of thinking, maybe it’s that he went the route of finding a superstar at the deadline and that failed miserably, so perhaps he is thinking, stocking his team with five or six guys with potential is the “can’t miss” solution. We can’t be sure and sitting in his stark office at the Flames NHL complex is intimidating to say the least.
Sutter sits there for a few minutes, humming silently, staring off into space. He does not say a word. He has yet to acknowledge our presence. We are unsure that he is even going to offer a justification on his recent moves, especially his acquisition of Ales Kotalik from the Rangers for Mr. Jokinen, the bizarrest of his moves on this day, especially considering he made Jokinen suit up and play hockey last night, almost like a man on death row’s last meal. Flames fans feel they deserve an explanation, but we’re not sure Mr. Sutter believes he owes them one. Maybe this is just all part of his master plan to get Ilya Kolvachuk or maybe Sutter has just lost it, at this point, everybody has a theory.
“No one knows what it's like, To be the bad man, To be the sad man, Behind blue eyes. No one knows what it's like, To be hated, To be fated, To telling only lies”
The lyrics crackle from the darkness; we continue to sit in silence and wish that we had been sent to Dallas to interview the members of Westboro Baptist Church on the evils inherent in the sport of hockey. Yes, we still believe that Gary Bettman is Satan.
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Last Updated ( Tuesday, 02 February 2010 17:09 )
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Written by FRE
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Monday, 25 January 2010 20:17 |
Philadelphia, PA. (HO). Shakespeare would be proud. In another epic showdown that pitted the House of Montague against the House of Capulet, the Penguins beat up on the tragic Flyers in another controversial confrontation. The Philadelphia Flyers and Pittsburgh Penguins is quick turning into a parallel of one of Shakespeare’s most famous plays and the feuding between the two franchises is reaching a blockbuster level.
Romeo, played by Flyers captain, Mike Richards is the classic hero. Besieged by the press (read his family) and even his own teammates is the lynchpin in his team’s success. Mercutio, played by newly acquired Flyer, Chris Pronger, is on hand to criticize Romeo Richards for not being passionate enough about the feud and the desire to win. Juliet, played most auspiciously, by Penguins captain, Sidney Crosby (come on the parallels are endless) is also central to the feud. However, much like the Shakespeare work, these Canadian brethren are teammates and "best" friends off the ice. However, in the rink, they are sworn enemies. They are surrounded on both sides by willing and even passionate combatants, oftentimes the deeds of their respective families overshadowing their own brilliant play. Juliet Crosby has had her teeth knocked out by the brutal Montague’s. Benvolio, played by Flyer Kimmo Timmonen, has been targeted several times by the dirty Capulets, most notably by Tybalt, represented by Chris Kunitz in years past.
Flyers vs. Penguins
Now comes Act 5, when the roles are reversed, and this time it’s the dastardly Capulet’s and Juliet Crosby’s teammate, Matt Cooke, who “bites the thumb” of Romeo Richard’s teammate, Aaron Asham.
Said Asham after the game; “There was a scrum, I grabbed him. There were two guys on Harts and my glove got tangled in his mouth and he bit me, so I lost it. It’s not bad, but he’s a gutless guy. I have no respect for him at all. I lined up against him and asked him to fight and he didn’t want to. If you go and bite someone … I just have no use for him. He does his job well. He’s an agitator. He’s garbage to me and I have no respect for him at all. You should have a little more honor than that. Usually if you bite somebody you stick up for yourself and you fight the guy. Not this guy, he’s chicken and I have no respect for him. He plays the game hard and I respect him for that, but he yaps, he’s a dirty player. At least a guy like (Sean) Avery fights. This guy is just chicken (bleep) and I hate him. It would have been better if he dropped the gloves with me, but he’s got no stones.”
And so goes the tale of the Montague’s and the Capulet’s, a modern day tragedy with two star-crossed hockey players, acted out in the NHL rinks of the Penguins and the Flyers. Every plot twist and turn is present, even the biting.
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Last Updated ( Monday, 25 January 2010 20:26 )
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Written by FRE
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Thursday, 21 January 2010 17:03 |
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Vancouver, BC (HO). By now everyone has weighed in on the Alexandre Burrows conversation with referee Stephane Auger before the game between the Vancouver Canucks and the Nashville Predators on January 11, 2010. Video of this conversation can be seen here. After the game Burrows accused Auger of “having it in for him” and that Augers did just that by calling two questionable penalties on him late in the game, that gave the Predators a man advantage on which they subsequently scored and essentially won the game.
Hockeyoutsiders, in an attempt to put to rest the controversy and shed a little insight into the he said-she said nature of this story, has hired a forensic video expert to break down all the angles of this event captured by the CBC camera and transcribe the conversation that occurred between the referee and the player. Using advanced lip reading techniques, the dialogue is presented below. 
Burrows: BONJOUR!
Auger: Bonjour, qui est cela ?
Burrows: C'est le Roi Aurthur et ceux-ci sont mes chevaliers de la table ronde. Qui est le château est cela ?
Auger: : C'est le château de mon maître Guido Mbumbar.
Burrows: Allez et dites à votre maître que nous avons été chargés par Dieu avec une quête sacrée. S'il nous donnera des aliments et se mettra à l'abri pour la nuit, il peut nous rejoindre dans notre quête du Saint-Graal Saint.
Auger: Bien, je lui demanderai, mais je ne crois pas qu'il soit très intelligent. Uh, il est déjà arrivé un, vous voyez.
Burrows: Que ? Il a dit qu'ils ont déjà reçu celui! Êtes-vous sûrs qu'il a celui ?
Auger: Ah oui, c'est très agréable!
Burrows: Pouvons-nous nous lever et jeter un coup d'œil ?
Auger: Évidemment non. Vous êtes des types anglais.
Burrows: Qu'est-ce qui est vous alors ?
Auger: Je suis le français. Pourquoi croyez-vous que j'ai cet accent terrible, vous le roi bête ?
Burrows: Que faites-vous en Angleterre ?
Auger: Occupez-vous de vos propres affaires.
Burrows: Si vous ne nous montrerez pas le Saint-Graal, nous prendrons votre château par la force!
Auger: Vous ne nous faites pas peur, les chiens de cochon anglais! Allez et faites bouillir votre fond, les fils d'une personne bête. Je vous fais voler mon nez, soi-disant Arthur King, vous et tout votre k-nnnnniggets anglais bête. Thpppppt! Thppt! Thppt!
Burrows: Quelle personne étrange. Regardez maintenant ici, mon bon homme-
Auger: Je ne fais pas veut vous parler pas plus, vous videz l'essuie-glace de dépression d'aliments d'animal été à la tête! Je pète dans votre direction générale! Votre mère était un hamster et votre père senti des baies de sureau!
Burrows: Y a-il quelqu'un d'autre en haut là nous pourrions parler ?
Auger: Non, partez maintenant ou je vous raillerai un deuxième temps-a!
Burrows: C'est votre dernière chance, j'ai été plus que raisonnable.
Auger: FECHE LA VACHE!!!
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Last Updated ( Thursday, 21 January 2010 17:35 )
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Written by FRE
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Tuesday, 12 January 2010 16:51 |
Pittsburgh, PA. (HO). Last Thursday, Philadelphia Flyer, Simon Gagne thought he recorded his 500th career point. The call on the ice was no-goal, but the officials correctly went to the tape and called the replay office in Toronto, to review the call. The word from Toronto came back that the replay evidence was inconclusive and the call on the ice was upheld. Now comes a story from the NHL and the Philadelphia Flyers that FSN Pittsburgh, who broadcast the game, withheld specific replays that clearly showed that Gagne did in fact score. Of course the ruling would have made little difference to the results of the game, as the Flyers won in a rout, beating the Penguins 7-4, however, the reliability of on-ice officiating is now being questioned. (ED Note: You mean the league is admitting that someone screwed up? Queue Flyers fans lining up to point out that the Penguins cheated…again).
EA Sports demonstrates their technology
Brian Campbell, member of the NHL competition committee had this to say; “The issue of when a goal is a goal and when it isn’t a goal, has long been a hot topic of debate. Obviously, through the years the NHL has sought to eliminate all doubt going as far as to institute goal review in Toronto. Now, we've taken that a step farther, by contracting with EA Sports, who possesses cutting edge technology, to help eliminate any further controversy.”
A source close to Hockeyoutsiders and EA Sports, has informed us that the sports video game giant is currently experimenting with a “blue screen” effect. In a sure to be controversial concept, goaltenders would be mandated to wear blue pads and blue uniforms. The crest of the team would continue to be on the front of the jersey, so each goaltender could be identified with their team. In addition, goalies could continue to wear masks custom designed for them. The process would work as follows: using this technology, any goal replay would constitute making the goalie “invisible” by eliminating them from the screen. Thus, the review is only going to consist of the puck and it’s proximity in the net, and when viewed from different camera angles, the replay proof will be infallible and consistent. Developers thought this solution carried the most merit because implanting sensors in the pucks, presented an array of problems, including the composition of the puck and sensor placement.
“EA Sports is very excited to be able to work with the NHL in coming up with a resolution to their problem of goal review. We feel the blue screen concept will revolutionize the game.” said lead developer Todd Batty.
The NFL is apparently monitoring the results of the NHL’s experiment very closely, in an attempt to come up with a solution to their own growing problem of determining when the football crosses the plane of the goal.
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Last Updated ( Tuesday, 12 January 2010 17:16 )
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