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A few weeks ago, Hockeyoutsiders lead editor and hockey guru, PB9617 sent me the links to a brilliant series by the guys over at Battle of Cali. This series can be found here, here and here. Essentially, writer, RudyKelly, trotted out team analysis of the California franchises, Sharks, Kings and Ducks and imagined what they might look like as a movie. The results were predictably hilarious. My email exchange with PB went something like this:
“Those are fucking great.”
“You should do that.”
“What? A HO article?”
“Yep.”
So that got me thinking. How would I imitate RK’s genius, add my own premise and where would I find the time to photoshop so many damn pictures? It’s a bit of an insane task and quite a gamble to come up with something that approached even half the exceptional pieces that were already done. However, we here at HO don’t shy away from many challenges (other than attempting to figure out what the fuck CORSI and GVT are and how they apply to hockey). So the gauntlet was thrown and we are going to attempt to model the teams of the Atlantic Division in comparison to great HBO series. Of course, there are literally 100 HBO series and only 5 Atlantic Division teams, so we just went with the HBO series you know that we’ve actually seen. I know what you're thinking, "why the Atlantic and why not the Smythe or Adams division"? Well, because we're mostly Flyers fans so a) the Atlantic is the only division we really care about and b) it's our website bitches!!! Therefore, we probably aren’t going to expand this to include every NHL team. Sorry guys, we don’t have an eternity to google pictures of Sarah Jessica Parker and Kim Cattrall and explain to you why they are the Sendin twins. Use your imagination.
So enough about the challenge, onward with the comparisons, starting with the best team in the Atlantic (Devils) and ending with the worst (Islanders).
New Jersey Devils
For two seasons HBO ran the series Rome, which chronicled the rise of the Roman Empire. Naturally this contrasted perfectly with the Devils system that seems vastly superior to any system that is employed by any NHL team outside of maybe the Detroit Red Wings. Every year, NHL pundits write off the Devils as has been or this is the year that the empire finally falters, but every year, the Devils are a powerhouse. Though their playoff success in past seasons has been less than stellar, they inevitably are a first round nightmare for any team they face. Here are New Jersey’s 2009 cast of characters.
Martin Brodeur is Lucius Vorenus. Calm, collected, the true leader of the team and a warrior between the pipes. Brodeur plays almost all of New Jersey’s games and is the difference maker most nights despite far superior firepower coming at him. In the series Lucius rises from humble beginnings to become an all powerful senator, just as Marty started from humble roots to become the greatest goalie to ever play. Then there is also that whole in-laws banging each other storyline.
I have always wondered how Jamie became the captain of this team. I have always wondered how Pullo never got killed. Life is full of little mysteries.
Magnus Pompey is Paul Martin. Underappreciated, overworked and will never get the same attention that past number one blue liners in New Jersey enjoyed, probably because he isn’t really a true number one.
Anthony ran around Rome scoring on anything with two legs and a hole, so does Zach.
Yes, Rolston is Brutus. Just look at their eyes. Both of them look like they might do something a little crazy.
Elias is Posca, both guys are “lifer’s” of their respective organizations. Posca was a crafty, shifty, well trained weasel, and the same could be said of Patrik.
Johnny Oduya plays Cicero. Nobody expected either to get as far as they did.
Timon plays Pandolfo. Both guys are grinders and Jewish.
Peters ice time is comparable to Erastes screen time. Both are two bit thugs.
Julius Ceasar is Lou Lamoriello. Does this even need an explanation?
That wraps up the Devils, we will strive to bring you the Penguins down the Islanders in the coming weeks taking us through the Olympic Break. Feel we missed something or have any suggestions? Send them to
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