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Written by FRE
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Wednesday, 23 September 2009 18:56 |
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Moving right along, senior correspondent, HockeyOutsiders Managing Editor and Vice President of Operations, FRE previews the Northeast Division Admittedly, HockeyOutsiders has an infamous history and NHL GM’s are reluctant to take our calls. I mean, hell, even Craig Patrick doesn’t return our calls anymore, even though he once threatened to sue us. It’s not like we here at HO believe we are truly a serious news organization or even respectable NHL bloggers. I mean, our mom’s still yell at us in the basement to turn down our music or tell us to stop playing the World of Warcraft and go to bed. So when HO set out to preview the Northeast division it was a daunting task to be able to get our many pressing questions answered by the GM’s in the division. We started out with the goal of trying to get the teams head honcho’s to answer five “burning” questions, but after going through countless electronic answering systems, non-committal admins and I think we even talked to a janitor or two, we finally nailed down all five GM’s and got them to answer our one most important query concerning the upcoming season. So without further ado, we proudly present our Northeast Division preview based on our predicted order of finish, worst to first. Don’t worry Toronto, we don’t think you’ll finish in last again and no, we don’t have a website conspiracy against the Leafs.
Buffalo Sabres
HO: First of all, Mr. Regier, thanks for taking our call. We know you’re short on time with this busy preseason, so can you give us your thoughts on the speculation that the Detroit Red Wings are clearing cap space for Ryan Miller in 2015? 
Darcy Regier: Where did you hear this? I’m assuming it’s from that meddling Glen Sather, who’s always envious of our players. It doesn’t matter, we’ve learned our lesson after the whole Vanek shenanigan. In fact, I’m going to get Miller’s agent on the phone right after this and sign him to another 10 year extension. That should solve that problem. I know we have no real skill up front or on the backend, but we here in Buffalo will always have great goaltending. We have a legacy to maintain.
Montreal Canadiens
HO: Mr. Gainey, thank you for your time today. Can you tell us the true story of what happened on the eve of free agency this year and the day of free agency? You had quite an exciting 24 hours.
Bob Gainey: Alright, I admit it. That Tuesday night, Carey (Price) called me and asked me to go with him to System (Nightclub). I figured, it was the off season, so what the hell. We started doing shots called “The Three Wise Men” (Johnnie Walker, Jim Beam, Jack Daniels). Before I knew it, things were out of control. Carey was dancing on the bar, some girls were mobbing us, Carey’s friends were basically pouring liquor down my throat. I vaguely remember Glen (Sather) calling me. Next thing I know, I get a text the next morning from Sather, thanking me for taking Gomez (Scott) off his hands. The next day is pretty much a blur too, as I’m thinking I better get some wingers for Scott. I guess I should have made sure that these guys were bigger than 5’ nothing, but hey, I had a wicked headache, who can blame me for not doing the proper research. It seems bad in retrospect, but after that disaster last season, I thought [expletive] it, I’m just going to blow things up and start over again. Maybe it wasn’t the best idea, but hey, I’m still the GM of the most impressive franchise in the NHL.
Ottawa Senators
HO: Hey, Bryan, after all the media criticism you’ve had in the past couple of months, it’s nice that you returned our call. I promise we won’t take up too much of your time, but we just want to know, now that you’ve traded Dany Heatley for 2nd line garbage, how do you think Spezza and Alfredsson will cope with losing one of their close friends?
Bryan Murray: [muttering] [expletive] Dany Heatley…..[expletive][expletive] Dany Heatley, [expletive][expletive][expletive][expletive][expletive] probably [expletive] Glen Sather….[inaudible muttering][expletive] Heatley, my [expletive][expletive]
Boston Bruins
HO: Mr. Chiarelli, it’s a pleasure to finally be able to speak with you directly. Can you expound on the deal with the devil that goaltender Tim Thomas apparently made a few seasons ago?
Peter Chiarelli: I am unaware of any contract that Timmy has made with anyone else besides the Bruins organization. Did Slats (NY GM Glen Sather) tell you that the Devils were tampering with my players? I wouldn’t put it past Lou, that fat [expletive] is one to talk. I swear, I hate that team. Every year, you’d think that they’d be finished. You’d think that when Marty Brodeur went down, that they’d finish dead last. But no, they seem to just pick up where they left off. I bet they have a fat chance of doing that this year! Ha, way to go Lou in signing Jacques and his system. Parise won’t sniff 30 goals this year in that system. I can’t wait for a playoffs when we won’t have to worry about a potential New Jersey roadblock on our way to the cup. If I have to see the trap one more NHL post season, I might throw up.
Toronto Maple Leafs
HO: Well, Mr. Burke, you certainly are a hard man to get a hold of. We know that you’re very busy continuing to re-shape the Leafs into a world-class organization again, a full time job to be sure. We also applaud the Phil Kessel trade and signing, but we just want to know if you’re aware that Phil only has one ball and therefore doesn’t seem to qualify in the mold of a Maple Leaf player that you are trying to install?
Brian Burke: What? Are you kidding me? [muffled voices] …get me Phil’s agent on the phone now…my implicit instructions were players with BALLS! Notice I didn’t say ball, singular…GODDAMNIT!....[Burke returns to phone] Um, right, you were saying…Phil, right, we are very pleased with our acquisition of Phil Kessel and we believe he will address our need for a scoring winger up front. We got a very good deal from the Bruins, who obviously didn’t want to part with him, but due to cap constraints he became expendable, which was very good news for us. We know Glen Sather in NY was trying hard to land him and anytime we have the ability to land a player that our conference rivals don’t, we feel that makes a stronger hockey club. We also are quite pleased that Phil was willing to take less money to play for us. We know that we’re probably not quite there yet, with putting on the ice a Stanley Cup winner, but we certainly won’t be an easy team to compete against this season. Any win against this club is going to require some blood.
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Last Updated ( Thursday, 24 September 2009 15:33 )
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Written by HO Staff
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Wednesday, 16 September 2009 20:08 |
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Toronto, ON (HO). Confirming reports issued late yesterday afternoon, HO has learned that newly signed goalie Jonas “The Monster” Gustavsson’s has a heart problem and his much anticipated appearance in the Leaf’s season opener is in jeopardy. While this certainly comes as a shock to much of the hockey world, who thought the Leafs had finally found the potential missing piece of the puzzle to end their long playoff drought and even longer Stanley Cup aspirations; it’s not surprising given the Leafs history with promising franchise goalies, who mysteriously show up in Toronto, only to fail miserably. What’s not being said, is that much of these failures are linked to curious mental and health reasons, that did not afflict the netminders in their previous cities. 
The Monster was suppose to save the Leafs Said General Manager Brian Burke; "Toronto normally takes many more years to infect a young man. However, he's not used to the terrible food, beer, and people, so it caught him pretty quickly. He’s not the first guy to come in here and he’s probably not going to be the last. We as a franchise are taking steps to preserve our assets and hopefully get the young man back on his feet." Coach Ron Wilson elaborated "Gusty is going to be our road goaltender - he won't set foot in Toronto this year. A year away from Toronto normally cures all ills." Gustavsson added "My heart was racing a bit, I had to shut it down. My doctor says that I need to get back to civilization. After a year of being a road goalie, we'll re-evaluate and hopefully I'll be able to handle it." Jim Balsille released a statement; "This just highlights yet another reason for a franchise in Hamilton. Hamilton will not strike our young men down in their prime, as Toronto does." Jason Allison, who had concussion symptoms exacerbated by living in Toronto sympathizes with Gustavsson, "It's tough you don't want to endanger your health, but when the Leafs are the only team willing to give you a contract, you have to hang on and hope that the doctors can keep you going until you land a trade." Although, the Leafs franchise is quick to denounce any rumors of potential problems with living in the city, there are rumors circulating that goaltender Vesa Toskala experienced similar problems with his health which was a major factor in his inability to play up to the level he had displayed when he was a backup for the SJ Sharks. In addition, Andrew Raycroft was also accused at times of his poor conditioning, but sources close to the Leafs organization, confirmed, that something just wasn’t quite right with Raycroft when he arrived at camp prior to the 2007 season after spending the off season in the Toronto area after his trade from the Boston Bruins.
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Last Updated ( Thursday, 17 September 2009 14:52 )
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Written by FRE
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Monday, 20 July 2009 19:18 |
Toronto (HO). Following in the footsteps of other great NHL players who have retired and then attempted comebacks such as Claude Lemieux and Mario Lemieux, Hockeyoutsiders has learned that new Toronto Maple Leaf GM and czar of hockey operations, Brian Burke, has inked Chris "Knuckles" Nilan to a one year contract filled with incentives.
Nilan, who last played for the Montreal Canadiens, is one of the last players known to drop his gloves first and ask questions later. In his most famous incident, he received a total of 42 penalty minutes in one game against the Hartford Whalers, which is still an NHL record. Chris, a former all-star, will bring some much needed grit to the Maple Leafs lineup and he joins a growing list of players who Burke has successfully scooped up from his hated cross provincial rival, the Canadiens.
Although the signing has not generated as much media interest as the signing of towering Canadiens defenseman, Mike Komisarek, it does continue to bear out the pattern that the Maple Leafs will be a much tougher team to play against this coming season.
Another Toronto All-star?
While the contract terms were undisclosed, HO has learned that Nilan will make the league minimum. Nilan turned down an all expense shopping spree to Lord & Taylor as a signing bonus, saying "they won't get me a second time..." He accepted a pair of Tommy Bahama board shorts instead.
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Last Updated ( Monday, 20 July 2009 20:20 )
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Written by PB9617
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Monday, 13 July 2009 14:50 |
TORONTO, ON (HO) - In a stunning development, the number of NHL players wanting to play for the Toronto Maple Leafs fell this year for the first time since contraction in 1978. In an interview last week, Columbus Blue Jackets winger Rick Nash said "Toronto just didn't appeal to me as much as Columbus." The news stunned Maple Leafs fans worldwide, leading many to question the hiring of General Manager Brian Burke.
"Everyone knows that for as long as there have been Maple Leafs in Toronto, every player in the league has wanted to play here, and usually for less money," said longtime season ticket holder Kip Kelsay. He continued, "Finding out that someone doesn't want to play for Toronto was like hearing that Santa Claus wasn't a Leafs fan. I still don't believe that. Maybe Brian Burke is not the guy for this job. We never had players turning the Leafs down before he was hired."
Charting the history of players wanting to play for Leafs Nash lowers the number of players wanting to play for the Maple Leafs from 660 to 659, the first drop since the league lost twenty-two jobs in 1978 with the contraction of the Cleveland Barons.
"Guys won't even leave Toronto when the team is trying to tank the season for the first pick," said Leaf emeritus Tie Domi, referring to Mats Sundin, Tomas Kaberle, and Bryan McCabe being unwilling to waive their no-trade clauses for any team. "That is what it means to play in Toronto - being so comfortable in your job that you aren't afraid to lose."
Brian Burke said "This is not about Brian Burke or Brian Burke's ego. Brian Burke's ego can take something like this. Besides, Brian Burke can just pull a string in the league office and Rick Nash will be playing in Saginaw until he's ready to become a Toronto Maple Leaf. If Brian Burke wants Rick Nash to be a Leaf, he's going to be a goddamned Maple Leaf!"
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Last Updated ( Monday, 13 July 2009 18:14 )
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