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Written by HO Staff
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Thursday, 05 November 2009 16:18 |
Hockeyoutsiders has learned that MTV is in line to scope out the pad of Alexander Ovechkin, left wing for the Washington Capitals. Chosen first overall in the 2004 NHL entry draft, A.O is considered one of the up and coming young superstars in the league by NHL pundits. We proudly present a sneak preview of the episode which is scheduled to air on MTV shortly. As you will see from our recap, AO may be a young star, but he's already getting paid like the superstar that he is.
This is how AO sees himself
Alexander Ovechkin’s tour begins in the lounge/bar area, complete with a wraparound couch, flat-screen TV, fireplace and personalized gold goblets which A.O. drinks hand made vodka out of which he imports from his native Russia. He then passes through his open-air loggia/dining room and into his kitchen, where the double-sided fridge is stocked with VitaminWater and more vodka. The freezer below contains assorted frozen treats, which A.O. admits he mostly consumes in the off-season. After taking us through his guest rooms which are preposterously over-painted and decorated to replicate some of the rooms of the Grand Hotel Europe located in St. Petersburg, A.O. stops in his master bedroom and shows off his canopy bed with clouds painted overhead. Adorning the walls are two life size portraits of Alexander. Both these portraits depict Alexander the "Great" as a sphinx.
“I am a lion with wings on the ice!” chuckles Alex.
We then head outside, where Alexander Ovechkin gives a rundown of his whips. We are able to check out the Mercedes Benz SL65 AMG Black Series that he claims he has driven 160 MPH on the highways near DC. The number 8 adorns the bumper. He also has a silver Ferrari F430 which has the #8 emblazoned on the doors. Around back, AO shows off his swimming pool that has a waterfall, a fireplace with a waterfall behind it, a nearby gazebo with a cascading waterfall and a hot tub with yet another waterfall. Beyond that is a basketball court, which AO admits is his second favorite sport to play.
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Last Updated ( Thursday, 05 November 2009 16:34 )
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Written by FRE
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Wednesday, 21 October 2009 15:51 |
Tampa, FL (HO). By now everyone on the planet has heard about yesterday’s infamous “strip” shoot out contest which the Tampa Bay Lightning players held after practice. The rules were simple; you had to strip off an article of clothing/equipment for every time you did not score on goal. Needless to say, Lightning right winger, Martin St. Louis, lost badly in more ways then one. You can view the video here.
Lightning coach, Rick Tocchet, after viewing the youtube video, had this to say. “That’s disgraceful. I mean, the goalie isn’t even trying and the Marty can’t score. What is up with that? Why the hell did he take his skates off? You’d think he’d take his pants off before taking his skates off. I mean, shit, I’ve seen Marty’s jock on the ice more than once over the last couple of games. Now I know who is never going to take another shoot out for us.”
Sweden's Victor Hedman questions teammates "game"
Steven Stamkos, the young Lightning sophomore, who was minus his jersey and shoulder pads, chuckled to himself; “Yeah, Marty looked pretty bad. I certainly wouldn’t have gone with those sandals either. I thought Mike (Smith) was just going to skate out of the net, just to save Marty any further embarrassment. Of course, Marty probably wouldn’t have scored anyway. He’s been pretty terrible so far this year.”
“Is this what you American’s do in your free time?” asked Lightning rookie Victor Hedman. “Seems pretty gay to me….”
After the media storm died down, we were able to reach St. Louis for comment. When told about his coach’s remarks, Marty, still wearing his baby blue shower sandals, said; “Doesn’t matter to me, I always hated the shoot out, seemed like a stupid way to decide hockey games anyway. Now I just need to find out who stole my damn skates.”
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Last Updated ( Wednesday, 21 October 2009 16:01 )
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Written by Hottek
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Monday, 21 September 2009 19:44 |
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HockeyOutsiders continues to roll out their pre-season Division previews with a look at the Southeast Division. Our newest correspondent and official resident puck-bunny Hottek gives her take on each team with their predicted division finish... Last Place - Carolina Hurricanes
Whitney and Staal gliding across the ice, hand in hand. Ruutu, and Samsonov gracefully practicing their shots into Ward’s net. All with dreams of being on the next Dancing with the Stars.
Hurricanes second-time around coach Paul Maurice states, “I was appalled at Laviolette turning my boys into dancing pansies and promise you the only show they will be gathering together for now is the UFC.”
Left Wing, Eric Coles is having the hardest time adjusting to the new program since they always gathered at his house. “UFC is too tough for me and my family to watch. The guys and I have always enjoyed our evenings dancing on the ice and I just can’t give that up.”
A hockey team that gathers together week after week to watch this ridiculous show will never be tough enough to win even one game. Come on guys, where is your manhood?
Fourth Place – Tampa Bay Lightning
The only thing Lightning has going for them is their hot, seducing blue jerseys; unfortunately, they don’t have any nice bodies to fill them. That goes for the Lightning girls too, who are apparently so ugly they didn’t even make it to the official Lightning Website. In fact, Tampa Bay had to add men to their squad in hopes of appeasing the “not-so-straight” fans.
Goalie, Mike Smith tried out for the Bolt Brigade back in January; however, his first attempt at dancing on ice landed him on his head. He has had post-concussion syndrome ever since. Bolt Brigade did score high, though, when Niitymaki decided to join the team, using his new and improved hips to balance the girls on the team.
Long time fan, Nicklaus Bruno gives his views on the new Brigade, “When I saw Niddermakker on the new dance squad, my heart throbbed. He truly is the sexiest man alive.”
Tampa Bay Lightning will score this year; however, it won’t be when it matters.
Third Place - Washington Capitals
I was in the Capitals locker room during their pre-season game against Blackhawks last Saturday, September 19th and was intrigued by their ritual before taking the ice each period. Before entering the locker room, Captain Chris Clark gave me my rules, “You must not say a word to any of our boys. It is imperative they feel as though you aren’t in the room. The only reason we are allowing you in, is because, quite frankly, you are very much like us.” Following his instructions, I quietly open the door to reveal darkness. I follow what sounds like glasses clinking and soon find myself in a candle lit room, soft music playing, the boys murmuring softly to each other, while sipping on Dewar’s Scotch Whiskey, who prominently sponsors the Capitals. Rookie (and very sexy) goalie Symeon Varlamov is polishing first the Capitals side of his helmet, then with much adoration the Hershey Bears side. My Swedish love, Nicklas Backstrom is raising his glass to Ovechkin and his dreamy blue eyes, “One goal at a time, we will win this game. We will join together and defeat the Blackhawks!” A low cheer rumbled from the rest of the players, they all chugged their whiskey got to their feet and quietly entered the ice. I had never seen this side of the Capitals who are all nearly 6 feet tall or more, but I was certainly in love.
On my way out, Head Coach Bruce Boudreau stopped me, “My boys always get connected with their softer side before hitting the ice. It brings them peace and relaxes them. You will see.”
The first period did not bring them a goal, yet this did not stop them from repeating the ritual before setting out for the 2nd, and again 3rd periods; drinking more and more Dewar’s; scoring once in each period, leaving the game tied. Finally, 21 year old Center Mathieu Perreault feeling feisty from all the whiskey he has drank, gets his chance and slams the puck into the net, finishing the game in OT.
The Washington Capitals may not be the toughest hockey team out there, but their connection with their feminine side will pay off on the ice.
Second Place - Florida Panthers
The BOVA Ice Dancers puts the Panthers in the top two this year. Their shapes and moves are what drives Weiss to shove the puck deep in to the net; and on the other side of the rink you will find Vokoun geared up by their rhythm and blocking goals left and right. These girls are the heart of this team; keeping the boys’ stamina at full attention. Their full attention doesn’t stop there, either.
Left winger, David Booth, simply drives women crazy as he glides the puck down the ice with his long hard stick and forcefully slams it into the net with all his strength. You can almost feel the orgasmic quivers from the fans as they gasp each time his drives come to the net. “I desire to give my fans full erotic experiences, making them want to come over and over again,” claims Booth. Coach DeBoer, another hottie, encourages the players and dancers, “Sex sells, and we have the highest fan ratings in the league and intend to keep it that way. It’s this drive that keeps our boys on top and allows them to score easily. I mean, the Drew Rosenhaus thing was cute, but hey, we have to get the fans here somehow and we live in South Florida, so obviously they aren’t coming out for the hockey.”
The Panthers are going to have a sexsational year.
First Place - Atlanta Thrashers
When the Atlanta Thrashers show up to a game this season, they will not be coming by bus, they will rumble in on their Harley’s with Assistant Coach Todd Nelson leading the pack. It's conceivable that they will stop traffic in every state they travel through; engines revved and adrenaline spiked, they will be ready for any obstacle thrown their way.
Women swoon and men drool as they trade their leathers for jerseys and motorcycle helmets for hockey helmets. Jessica of the Thrashers Blue Crew is looking forward to greeting Captain Ilya Kovalchuk at his bike for every game. “Koval is a brute. He likes to put me over his shoulder and carry me into the rink, giving me one hard swat before setting me down.”
On the ice, Kovalchuk vows to be just as brutal; boarding his opponents into the wall as hard as he can. Rookie Evander Kane nicknamed “Holyfield” for his fighting techniques and the reason Thrashers took him 4th overall is assured of making the team this season. “I always wanted to be a boxer, and I love to skate, so it was only natural for me to choose hockey. I practice my fighting skills on my cousins on the frozen lake behind our house.” states Kane. Chris Thornburn is looking forward to teaming with Holyfield, “Together we are going to mess up our opponents. They will not forget Holyfield and Thorn.”
After the games, Jessica will meet Kovalchuk again. He has been practicing for weeks, grabbing her by the waist and throwing her onto his bike. He revs up the engine, puts his front tire into the air and speeds off, the rest of the team roaring behind them.
This season, the Thrash are determine to emerge from the shadow of Nascar and Atlanta sports indifference and become the bad boys of the Southeast conference. It’s their only hope of convincing newly minted captain and soon to be free agent, Kovalchuk to remain in Atlanta. Reworking their image just might do the trick.
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Last Updated ( Monday, 21 September 2009 20:18 )
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Written by FRE
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Wednesday, 03 June 2009 16:50 |
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Sunrise, FL. Word out of Florida today, indicates that the Florida Panthers have been sold to yet another conglomerate shell sports entertainment company for an estimated $240 million which is amazing considering that the Panthers have yet to make any money in the South Florida marketplace since their amazing and somewhat lucky run to the Stanley Cup Finals in 1996. After more than a decade of losing since, the new owners aren’t making the typical promises to turn the franchise around and put a winner on the ice for the few loyal fans of the Panthers, but instead have decided to just give their fans the straight reality of the situation. Sports Properties Acquisition Corp led by CEO and majority owner Tony Tavares issued the following statement. “We can sympathize with the long suffering of the fans of the Florida Panthers. After seeing this team mismanaged for years, but being led to believe by ownership that someday this team would turn around, they have watched such superstars such as Olli Jokinen, Roberto Luongo, Scott Mellanby, Pavel Bure, Niklas Hagman, Peter Worrell, Mike Van Ryn, Eddie Belfour and Todd Bertuzzi and the list goes on, being traded to other teams for no name players, career minor leaguers and draft picks, we here at SPA are not going to make the same mistakes. We’re going to be straight with our fans. Jay Bouwmeester, good as gone, he wants too much money, how can we make our loan payments if we’re paying him $6.5MM a year for 42 points? Obviously, he’s not a good value and does not 
Another victim of the recession There is no word yet on when the deal is closing, but apparently the capital is being funded by the same conglomerate that financed former Nashville Predators owner William “Boots” Del Biaggio and an unknown trust fund set up by Bernie Madoff with most of their assets being reported as being in Swiss Bank accounts. Naturally, NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman has to approve the sale and the new ownership structure, but his office has already reported that his authorization is forthcoming.
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Last Updated ( Wednesday, 03 June 2009 17:53 )
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